A million dollar dream

I am dreamer, i like to imagine things, it’s something like in that movie “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” but not that wild.

One day i surfed the internet and i wondered what would i do with a million dollars, and i also wondered how could i get a million dollars. obviously  i can’t, only if someone would give it to me. And then i stumbled upon a video on YouTube in which a guy asked for a million dollars, and i read on the comment section that he actually received it from some celebrity who wanted to remain anonymous. Only if i had that idea first…….. 😦

Regardless i like to keep on dreaming. If i had that kind of money i would move across the world, from this shitty country in East Europe i would move to the US. I am fascinated by Chicago (i street walked more than a hundred times via google) It’s the most beautiful and fascinating city! I  would move there to a nice apartment with my little boy and i would find a nice modest job for myself (i think i would make a good secretary, dressing nice every day and just doing my job). I would finally have access to all the autism therapies for my kid, floortime, sonrise and others and he would really have the chance to finally start talking and to have a life with other children. he wouldn’t be judged, i wouldn’t be judged either. i would walk every day to lake Michigan, i would have a simple life, no stress, no more family feuds no more struggle to make something for yourself and for your kid. No more fighting for your every breath on a sinking ship in a storm. I could finally be happy, i could finally be myself.

Keep on dreaming…..maybe someone will send me a million dollars too !!

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Uncategorized thoughts.

2 hearts, close or far away

can they be aware?

can they feel each other?

soul mates or just a shudder

the result of a kiss

avalanche after a touch

it appears only in your dreams

feels like a silent rush.

Sometimes love and lust is the same

wonder if what is lost can be found again?


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NO tv/phone/tablet!!!

Yes it seems like i’m gonna write about the influences of the modern word upon everything.

But no, i won’t.

I just wanted to share a little “experiment” i was making with my boy. He got sick a few days ago, snot and medicine all over the house… when he is sick he doesn’t want to eat anything, but i can manage to feed him is i let him play on the tablet or watch videos on our phones.

so i did that

and because i wanted to please him more i even let him watch some tv before sleep, he likes the music channels best (video-clips full of sexy ladies).

This was going on for almost a week now and he became more and more agitated during the day, he started to throw tantrums and screams for no reason.

Today he got my hand and led me to his feeding chair, i thought he was hungry so i offered him some snack but he didn’t wanted to eat, he wanted to go in the chair and play with the tablet. when i didn’t obliged he throw another screaming tantrum.

I decided once again that i will limit his access to electronics.

Although i knew that he becomes like this from toys with lots of lights and sounds (both visual and auditory stimulus). i guess i thought that he is older now he can enjoy a little bit of tv and stuff.

Conclusion: No tv for him and unfortunately that means no tv for us either.

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Is there a line?

Today i am wondering if there is a clear line between autistic and neurotypical?

I was thinking, really thinking and observing my little toddler. I definitely see the things that point to autism spectrum, but i don’t see why those things are categorized under the term of autism. When i was little, i knew that autism meant really concerning and bad things, with the passing of time somehow the term widened. Now i feel that everything that is not understood completely by the majority of people has to be put under a category, a name, a condition, and autism became this wide highway where people can shove others in a specific line depending on how different they are compared to the majority. You can be slightly autistic, you can be non verbal or verbal, you can have sensory processing difficulties, etc. i am surprised of how much sophisticated new terms i learned in the past few months.

When you have a child categorized somewhere there, i can tell you it’s really hard. I can read tons of blogs and opinions even from autistic adults who managed life well, but i always will remain scared for my boy.

I have been thinking, remembering about my childhood, because i was, i am different then most people. I have checked some online tests and they show that i am neurotypical, i don’t want to claim that i am autistic (mainly because i respect all autistic people, and their struggles to fit in). But i am certainly different. I have sensory processing difficulties, i can’t stand to touch or wear clothes with synthetic fibers, even if it has only 1 % i can feel it and my whole body breaks out in goosebumps. It’s horrible, i suffer through wearing women stockings when it’s necessary but i feel suffocated. Folding freshly dried clothe is hard also but there are days when i can do that.

I can’t eat strawberries unless i cut them in 4 pieces, this may be because this was the way my parents always prepared it for me but i can’t eat dark grapes because i can’t see through and i don’t know what is inside them, and the white ones i eat crushing them with my tongue not biting them.

I always had problems with making friends, i had really few friends, and i trusted them deeply until every each of them betrayed me. So now i don’t really have friends except my husband who is my love, my friend and my support every day! He doesn’t really know how much he means to me.

I am mostly annoyed by other people and i don’t feel good at social events, i feel annoyed by the usual girl talk about fashion and makeup and things like that.

I know that these things are not enough for me to be put in the autistic category, but they are certainly not neurotypical characteristics. Am i here or there? Am i between? perhaps in the future there will be a half autistic category?

What i want to say is that we don’t need labels for each other, we are different, we each have different desires and traits and there shouldn’t  be any finger pointing and categorizing each other over some differences. Some of us are good in math some of us are talented in music, so what? Some of us speak at the age of 1 and some of us at 3 or maybe never, but is that really a problem?

We put our “autistic” children through countless sessions of therapy and activities, instead of letting him discover his talents, his place in the word, his role, …


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A piece of me!

I rarely want to write about myself, as in characterizing myself, or presenting my “things”. I prefer to talk about my boy or about being a mom. But now i feel the need to scratch down a list of my favorite songs. I always liked music very much and when i was little i secretly wanted to be a singer, but i realized really soon that my voice is terrible, actually it’s worse than terrible. So that dream was washed away….

I like songs that have meaningful lyrics, usually with a story of some kind, and when i listen to my favorite songs (alone/in the car) i still shout and sing like a kid. It’s one of the few ways i can feel free and happy.

Here is my list of the top, i hope you enjoy some of them!

  • Imagine Dragons –  Demons
  • Imagine Dragons – Radioactive (I found out about them watching season one of the series Arrow.)
  • Sonata Arctica – Fullmoon
  • Sonata Arctica – Replica
  • Sonata Arctica – Broken
  • Sonata Arctica – Shy  (For me each one of these 4 songs represent a period of my life, or a feeling )
  • Linkin Park – Burning in the skies
  • Linkin Park – castle of glass
  • Dido – End of night
  • kylie – where the wild roses grow
  • Sixpence none the richer – kiss me (old song but nice)
  • Sam Hunt – take your time (sometimes the video-clip really helps, and don’t forget about sexy singers :P)
  • Kygo – stole the show
  • Jason Derulo – Stupid love
  • Jhon Legend – All of me (i can’t leave out romanticism can i?)
  • MAroon 5 – She will be loved
  • Eamon Vs. Frankee Fuck It & Fuck You Right Back Lyrics

For now that’s what pops in my mind, but there are more good songs out there! Please let me know if you liked any of these, and/or if you want to recommend me one favorite of yours.

oh i almost forgot about this

  • Bon Jovi – wanted dead or alive (but i like it sang by Tom Cruise in Rock of ages)
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Never say this to a parent of a toddler

It’s been a while since i started this blog, so i dare to assume that if you are reading what i write you most likely have a child of your own, furthermore you probably are a mother/father of an incredible little human being, and you are probably somewhere between 20-35 years old. Or maybe i’m wrong. Anyway you certainly know someone who is a parent, and has their own little interior designer, drawing on walls and rearranging the contents and even the furniture itself.

For you, reader, here are some things that you better never say to a parent of  a toddler, for you own safety.

1.Is he still waking up during the night?

I am hearing this question for almost 2 years now, since my boy was born, a week doesn’t go by without someone asking me this. If i am that fortunate that i can make a daily walk around the neighborhood and i don’t get asked by a neighbor i might even celebrate with champagne. oh, and by the way my neighbors are mostly elderly, and have memory problems. Hang me now. I think i exhausted all the polite ways to answer this question.

2.Do you sleep when you boy sleeps?

This is a good one, and usually follows the nr.1. It sure sounds simple, you get the toddler in bed, convince him to sleep. And right after that you go to sleep yourself. how i didn’t think of this before? oh yeah because the only time when i can actually do something, is when he sleeps. i couldn’t write this blog entry if he were awake, i couldn’t read a book ever…and so on. But i confess there were times when i was asleep before him because i was exhausted.

3. you will see the consequences later!!

This is my favorite it sounds like a threat but if you get angry about it, it can easily be converted to an advice. In just a few words it says that you are a bad parent and that the person saying it knows everything about how to do it right. And usually they are keen on giving more and more of their precious wisdom.

4. Leave the child with someone and go out, have fun.

This is actually nice when it comes from someone who can actually care for the toddler/baby, like a grandparent. But otherwise it sounds like an insult. It’s like you can put your child down like a furniture, turn your parent mode off and go have some fun, and he will be waiting on that same spot where you put him before.

5. This is not even the hardest part.

This usually comes from super experimented parents, grandparents, who know exactly when is the hardest part in raising a child, and they want you to know that it’s not now (now when you are barely standing, pushing the stroller on the street after a sleepless night when your son and moon has woken up 10 times and listened to his favorite bedtime music collection 4 times in a row, and he still had power to get up at 6 o’clock and to want to  take a morning walk at 8 o’clock, yeah definitely not the hardest part )

6. have you tried to let him cry a little? (as in, not to give him everything he wants when he wants)

To this i have nothing to say. Yes i tried, and he won!

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Getting a day off!!!

OMG i have done it!

I got a day off, i managed to have almost a full day to myself (more or less). After all that’s happened the past few month i really needed it.

It took me a week to convince myself to go away for 10 hours and to live my boy at home with my husband. I felt guilty, i felt irresponsible i felt horrible and everything in between but i needed that day.

It was Sunday and i decided to go with my father to a nearby city (150km), he wanted to participate in a cycling event there and i wanted to accompany him. I always encouraged his cycling hobby and i think he is really good at it, considering his age and his equipment (which is from the past century :p). We left home at 6.30 am and we had to drive 2 hours, the race started at 11 a.m and finished at 16 p.m. meanwhile i had time to do what i wanted, and guess what? i found a cache, the only cache in that region and it was exactly on the route of the cycling event so i had to go search for it. Of course i found it, and it was worth my while.

It was a beautiful day and i had a great time, i even relaxed a little bit. But i was missing my little boy. You really can’t get a day off from being a parent!!!

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Is eastern Europe hopeless??

I was struggling with the title of this post because i wanted to be catchy so people would want to read it. But than again the people usually reading this kind of blogs and surfing the internet, already have a sense of right and wrong and are more – how to put this – more clever then the people who i would address this.

I am a mother, and maybe because of it i react more harshly to children being abused or treated unwell than other people, but i would like to think that i just have a normal reaction. In the past 2 weeks i heard several stories, happenings and had a few discussion with other people, mother about them, and i was left somewhat speechless of how dumb and stupid other people can be.

I was recently resolving some business, paperwork for the allowance we get for our boy until he gets 2 years old. I was sitting in the waiting room waiting for my turn, with several people (aprox. 10) sitting and waiting for several things. There was a mother with a little girl and the girl was misbehaving, running around and just having fun. The mother lifted her up and just throw her down on the chair, after that the girl was crying and the mother spitted on her, a mouth full of gross spit. I was left staring. Asking to my self WTF? This happened just down a few doors from the child protecting services, and obviously one of their workers saw the whole thing. The mother and the child were both taken into the child protection office and i don’t know what happened there i just know that they were out like nothing happened in a few minutes. The shocking fact for me was that all the other people, 10, from the waiting room started to talk, and they said that the poor mother doesn’t deserve to get a lecture about this because she was just disciplining her child. And they all agreed on this. More disturbingly, when i entered the office in front of which i was waiting for, and i  told them what happened outside, they agreed with the waiting room crowd. I started to wonder if this is the general attitude about child abuse in my country, we are extremely behind.

Then just a few days later i read online that in a nearby village a teenage girl 12 year old was raped. Her mother sent her off to buy some groceries at 2-3 o clock and she doesn’t returned, but the mother didn’t bother to look for her until 10 a clock. How can someone be that careless.

Another event that just happened a few days ago, a mother left her newborn baby (she gave birth in the hospital, took the baby home and then left it) in a grocery bag in front of a residential area. She put some diapers and clothes and a bottle of milk near the child in the bag. the baby was found after 2 hours crying. I was so angry about this think that i voiced my opinion in a local public group of mothers on Facebook, just to hear things like “the mother needs help” and “she just abandoned her baby because her boyfriend doesn’t wanted it” i mean WTF? again. How can you 1. get pregnant, 2. carry the baby 9 month, 3. give birth in a hospital. and in the meanwhile doesn’t think about the consequences. She could have gave the baby for adoption, or just leave him in the hospital in a more safe manner than a grocery back for god’s sake. Mothers like thees don’t need help they need a smack on the head.

I am literally ashamed that i live in a country where this kind of things happen on a a daily basis and no one cares, no one takes responsibility no one gets punished. How far are we from the civilization? How many more years have to pass so that we can feel safe in our homes and cities, how many more corrupt generations has to die out. For now i think that maybe that will never happen here, we always will be the worst of Europe.

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Introducing solids 101!

Howdy readers!

I’ve been sitting on this post for a long time now. Since i started this blog i wanted to write about introducing solids. Now is the time to do it because if i wait any longer i might forget how i’ve done it 🙂 since my boy is already 21 month old.

The official recommendations are that you start introducing solids at 6 month, and there are some criteria that your baby has to fulfill like: “can sit upright and hold up his head”,or “Is curious, looking at everything around him”, or “Has mastered tongue movement”, “Seems hungry after getting hes portion of milk”, and so on and so forth. I don’t really think that you can know exactly when is the right time to do it. Some say that if you baby is on formula and not breast milk you can start at 4 month. In my opinion it’s irrelevant, the only thing that matters is what you as a mother/father can see and feel. If you are present in your child’s life you know when the time is right.

We started introducing solids at 5 and half month, it was my decision to start, because i wanted to go really slowly, and to be extra careful.

You can find lots of tables and charts on the internet with fruits and vegetables, specifying which one at what age you can give to your baby, they are almost all the same. It depends mainly on you, how you want to start and it depends on what region you are living because you want to give your baby fresh fruits and vegetables.

After i consulted with our pediatrician and i went out and brought fresh fruit, we started with apple juice (at 10.00 a.m.). The first day i gave him only 1 spoon, the second day 3, the 3’rd day 5 spoons and so on until i got to 10 spoons a day. The other meals remained breast milk. Usually after 5 days you can see if the baby has allergies to something. Then i introduced carrots along the apple, we started with 5 spoons and got up to 15 spoons in a few days. After this i added oranges, it was winter then so i had to chose from the fruits available in the store. He doesn’t really liked oranges so i put more apple and carrots in the juice. After a while the juice became more pulpy, and when i saw that he can swallow normally i introduced biscuits (no sugar) in the juice. By the time he had 6 month and  a half he had hes 10.00 a.m. breast milk meal  completely replaced with fruits.

Before i go on i will write down when i first introduced which fruit.

  • Apple – 5 and half month
  • Carrot – 5 and half month (it’s not a fruit but it’s excellent for making juice and it’s perfect paired with apple)
  • Orange – 6 month
  • Pear – 6 and half month
  • Avocado – 6 and half month
  • Peach – 7 month
  • Banana – 7 month

These  are the basics but after 8 month you can try almost anything, it really depends on what kind of fresh fruits you can find.

In the meantime at 6 month age we started soup and 2 course (mashed puree). We did it in the same manner as the fruits. This was for the 1,00 p.m. meal. First i made soup from carrot and parsley (it was not so good, but he liked it) and slowly i introduced other vegetables until we got to creamy soups and to other yummy stuff.

Here’s my order:

  • Carrot and parsley – 6 month
  • Parsnip – 6 month
  • Onion – 6 month
  • Fennel – 6 and half month (i read that fennel is really good and full of vitamins)
  • Potato, sweet potato, any kind of potato – 6 and half month
  • Zucchini – 7 month
  • Bell pepper – 7 month

At 7 month we introduced meat, firstly only in soups and after 2 weeks in the puree too. We started with chicken, turkey and beef. We introduced yolk around 8 month.

  • peas – 8 month
  • green beans – 8 month
  • Broccoli – 8 and half month
  • spinach – 8 and half month

From 9 month of age we sort of “went crazy” we tried asparagus, we started to give liver and lots of other things. After 9 month, if there were no allergies, you can try to feed him almost anything, of course prepared mashed. I think at 9 month we started simple Greek yogurt for hes 4,00 p.m. meal, he liked it very much. Also you can find lots of recipes special for babies on the internet, you can use them as inspiration, but anything that tastes good for you tastes good for you baby too!!!

Important thing is that while you are introducing solids and different textures and tastes, you maintain your daily breast feeding routine as long as your baby likes to. Our first and last meal of the day was breast milk until the age of 1 year.

And the one thing that i am especially proud of is that i never, i repeat NEVER gave to my baby jar food, prepared from the store. Everything he ate was home made, cooked by me, mostly in the steam cooker and it was  without salt until the age of 1 year. I don’t want to condemn those who gave their baby jarred baby food, but i wanted to do this right from my point of view and i did it!

My boy was a good eater as a baby and he liked to taste everything i made for him.

I hope there are some mothers for whom this post will be helpful and i am glad that i got it out there!

See you soon!


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Down the rabbit hole!

It’s Easter!!! At least according to the Catholics!

It’s my favorite holiday, it lasts only 2-3 days and i can eat home made smoked ham, the best.  And i can put rabbit ears on my little boy 🙂 The cutest.


I have less and less time to write on this blog. With all that’s happening and the day to day activities, i can’t really sacrifice time to do what i like. I was always like this. I mean, if i see that we don’t have enough money (i mainly think that we should have more economies) then i usually cut back, i cut back on buying stuff for me, stuff that is not rally important or necessary, others often say that i exaggerate. That’s what happens with my time, now i have less, i feel that i have less, or maybe i have more things to do, so i cut back, i don’t read as much as i would like, i don’t watch my favorite TV shows, and now i don’t write that often here. Because if i do things that i like, i feel like i am putting myself in front of my boy.  If i let him alone to play for a time, although i am in the room with him i feel like i am neglecting him. I think i became overbearing  (if that’s the right word). His so called “diagnosis” did this to me.

ok now it’s late and i’m cutting back on sleep to write  here 🙂 so i have to go!

Happy Eater for everybody!

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